Moments later the same light footsteps slipped down the stairs and I watched as a beautiful, fit woman in gym clothes slipped through the gate, into her car, and drove away. Her every movement was a symphony of motion. A true thing of beauty and grace. I believe she had a pretty face, but I can't say for sure. I was transfixed by the grace of her whole body, the way she moved, a confident vitality she possessed that seemed barely tamed. A woman for a man in his prime, able to be his companion, his equal in every way. Able to bear up under life's struggles, bear children, and be a supportive wife, mother, daughter.
Finished with making my morning cup of Vienna Roast, I opened my laptop to catch up with the day. A little good stock news had me in a good mood when I spied still another brewing story about the fashion industry.
I had the most intense emotional reaction reading this story, and thinking about it, I remembered why. I used to date a woman who was anorexic, and while I learned a lot about women's body image issues, it was a frustrating, and ultimately, heartbreaking experience.
You choose. Which is the more attractive woman?
I had met this woman at work, a temp filling in for a neighboring department's vacationing secretary. She was always very well dressed, and seemed always to be at the drinking fountain or copy machine when I was. (she admitted later she was kind of stalking me in this regard) She then showed up at the apartment gym where I worked out and I found myself inviting her to lunch.
One thing led to another, as I was newly divorced /=) and on the prowl. One night, after a wonderful night out on the town I lit a fire, cracked open a bottle of wine and took her on a soft, thick rug on the bedroom floor. I tried to ignore how gaunt she looked, even in the flickering firelight, and the sharp and bony feel of her body under me. I began to have the oddest sense that I might actually snap her spine in half if I weren't careful, so I was gentle with her until the very end.
Rolling her over on top of me (like a feather as it were) I was shocked at the complete absence of anything resembling a belly. Her ribs were like a rack her skin clung to like a limp rag. Her waist narrowed gauntly just above her protruding hip bones, and, perhaps due somewhat to my intoxication, I suddenly had the disgusting impression I was making love to an alien. I was reviled, and excused myself to use the bathroom.
When I returned she was rubbing her spine, her hand stained with blood. I had rubbed her skin raw between her lower back and the very thick "bearskin" rug. I was horrified. How was that possible when I had been so gentle with her? Applying some Neosporin I resolved to break up with her. The thought of being with her again became more and more repugnant over the next few days, and I ended it with her shortly after that.
The tragedy was we were pretty good together, but I knew her problem well by then, and knew she had fought the anorexic battle for many years, and loving me was not motivation enough to become what she subjectively saw as fat. This is one of the more insidious aspects of anorexia, that it changes your view of what "normal" is. Strangely, it did not affect her impression of men's bodies, as I was 5'9" and 165 lbs at the time. (I won an amateur body building contest around this time IIRC)
My goal in writing this post is to go beyond the timid admonishments of the popular media in saying that super-skinny models are not normal and are not healthy. I want to use the 'U" word, and say loud and clear that anorexia is UGLY.
Anorexia will destroy many relationships, your health, and your happiness. By contrast, health and vitality are always attractive and beautiful, in both men and women, and provide the foundation for emotional and physical stability through the many ups and downs life hands us all on our journeys. Anyone who is healthy is instantly more attractive, and this has always been so.
PS: It appears the light-footed beauty that glides up stairs is Brianna Bowie, an Olympic level gymnast winning several Canadian titles before turning to dance and jazz vocals.
